This book was originally published in 2012 by Diana B. Denholm LCSW, PhD. It’s under 200 pages, so it’s a quick read. I should start out by saying that I don’t think this book is going to be helpful for everyone. It isn’t a bad book. It doesn’t provide bad advice. Actually, there are things I personally found helpful. Unfortunately, there were large portions that did not resonate with me at all. I don’t want to discourage anyone from reading it, but don’t want people to waste precious time by reading something that might be better used reading something else.
By trade, Diana is a therapist who found herself as both the primary and long term caregiver when her husband was diagnosed with colon cancer and congestive heart failure. Drawing from her experience as a therapist and a caregiver, she aims to normalize the range of emotions and struggles that are commonly experienced by caregivers. Diane shares her story and provides tips to navigate life as a wife and caregiver. She also includes the stories and perspectives of five other caregiving wives.
I should note that I first read this in late 2018. I had been a nurse for eight years and a nurse practitioner for 2 years. My husband, Dustin, was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was now his primary caregiver. There were some great themes and tips but I had to put aside the fact that the personal stories did NOT resonate with me at all. I did not feel like these stories represented how I felt at all. I feel like these women were of a different generation, had different life experiences, and had different values and concerns than me. Not casting judgement on their perspectives, values, or experiences; it just didn’t represent my concerns, values, or experiences as a caregiver. While I am all for normalizing the wide range of emotions that come with being a caregiver, it felt disrespectful and condescending at times – making the wives come across quite petulant, privileged, and out of touch. I couldn’t relate to wives complaining about their loved ones’ hygiene, lack of fashion, or abilities to socialize.
While many of these personal stories and feelings were grossly off putting to me, there is a lot of wisdom and guidance that I did find helpful. It was quite difficult for me to put aside the gross feelings some of these personal stories gave me to see the benefits this book could provide. If you’re not in the mental space to be able to separate yourself from what doesn’t resonate or ignore what isn’t useful, it’s not worth the read.
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